Letter to a Student

Dear Mr. Too-Cool-for-School:

This admission might surprise you, but when I was an undergrad, my classes frequently frustrated and bored me. Like you, I often sat in class without taking notes. Like you, I seldom had my work done on time.

Our similarities end there, however.

Unlike you, I didn't sit angry as a storm cloud, glowering, arms crossed, radiating negativity that filled my corner of the classroom. My demeanor indicated interest—even on the days it was feigned—so professors found me attentive and polite and were willing to give me a little grace when I missed an exam or deadline.

Unlike you, I have an excellent memory. Not only could I remember everything the professor said during a lecture, but I also remembered all of my own musings—the connections, consequences, and applications of the material covered in class. So when I had to write an essay or take an exam, I didn't regurgitate my fuzzy, superficial understanding of the lectures. I had instead substantive, insightful things to say, further winning me points with my teachers.

Unlike you, I was such a good writer—a reputation that often preceded me—that professors would say, "Give me the paper next week, Sparky. Your essays are always worth waiting for." Unlike you, I almost always earned As. And when an iron-willed instructor got tired of my attempts to bend the rules and refused any more grace, I recognized that I was at fault and accepted the punishment. Unlike you, I didn't have tantrums appropriate for two year olds during which I blamed the professor, the computer lab, my frozen water pipes, etc. for my own shortcomings.

I've read your essays and observed your attitude. You're perfectly capable of college-level work, but you're no great talent. I assume that your parents did let you in the house, but you act as if they kept you out in the barn, behavior that doesn't inspire any grace from me. This means that you have to do things on time, based on the lectures given in class. So you might want to pick up that pencil and start writing things down, for you will never hear me say, "It's okay, Mr. Cool, I'll take that assignment late. I'll use the extra week to let my anticipation build for what will inevitably be a great essay!"

Yours truly,
Professor Lightbulb